Wednesday, October 17, 2007

i've missed you like a child misses their blanket

For the last several years, I've been plagued by dreams where one day I suddenly realize I haven't been to math class in a very long time. Panic sets in. For me the panic is two fold, How will I possibly pass when I haven't EVER been to class? I'm sure I had to have missed an assignment or two or fifty. The other stress is walking into the class the first time when everyone realizes I haven't ever been there. In the dreams, I'm always trying to figure out a way to slip back in without anyone noticing. I don't like to be noticed and especially not when it involves something negative. (By the way, try blending in when your brand new husband has been walking around on a walker/crutches/a cane for the last 3 months.)

Not writing in my blog has been a little bit like that dream. Every day I've thought about how long it's been since I've written, there's been a little bit of anxiety. There are a variety of reasons why I haven't written. First, our computer was in an awful spot and it was a horrible place to be for more than 45 seconds. Then, I moved the whole thing and now I have to share it with someone else. I've also recently started a new job that is a little overwhelming at the moment. And then there's the depression, which isn't anything new, but just seems to have been raring it's ugly head recently. It's not like I haven't had anything to write about-the new Fall season just started, didn't it? I even have a little list of things I wanted to say (NERD ALERT!). I just haven't been able to do it. The difference between this and the dream is that this time I'm actually a little anxious that no one will know that I've returned. I've come to realize that this silly little blog is one place where I actually like the attention. It's a cool spot to be me, and whatever one of my multiple personalities seems to be tagging along, and share a little bit of myself without feeling like I'm trying out for the 9th grade cheer leading squad all vulnerable and desperate for approval.

So, I hope you're still hanging around somewhere because I really am going to try to come back this time.