Tuesday, July 25, 2006

why public access tv is a bad idea

I was flipping channels just now when I found a show called Cool Readers. It's hosted by a big bald guy who wears a Cool Readers t-shirt. In the middle of the O's are some to little spots that I guess are supposed to be pupils. I'm not sure.
On the show the guy chats with two kids about a book that they enjoy. He asks them a series of questions and then offers them an opportunity to read two pages of the book.
I get the impression this guy has been hosting this show for a while because it seems like some of these kids are regulars, but he still seems quite goofy in his role. He laughs at his own jokes, most of them jokes the kids don't quite get and has a really hard time pronouncing a few words, like maybe his favorite book ought to be the dictionary. He's got kind of a flamboyantly gay southern accent and reminds me a lot of the mom from The Nutty Professor-every time he gets excited about the conversation, I expect him to start clapping his hands and shouting Hercules! Hercules!
The first set of kids I saw were a boy and girl who were both going into 8th grade. The boy brought the book Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Prince. First Jarrod told us a little about the book, (This guy is clearly not Matt Lauer-he hasn't even read the book jacket before the kids come on the show) and our host tried his best to chat him up from what he knew about the series from watching the movies-he admitted he hadn't seen this one yet, yeah Mr. Coo reader that's because it's not a movie! (Kind of reminded me of the time I was at the elementary school Read In Sleep In and the Charlotte Observer reporter asked me what I'd be doing if I were at home. I told her I'd probably be watching TV and then listed the entire Saturday night line up...I really liked Golden Girls. Coo reader and I had clearly missed the point.) Our friend then proceeded with the questions, who is your favorite character-Jarrod likes Harry, Coo reader thinks Ron's pretty cool and he actually called him a chap! After saying just about every word wrong they got on to Jarrod's reading of the story. Do you know which pages Jarrod chose to read? (warning here comes a spoiler) The pages where Dumbledore is killed! So, just in case he inspired you to read the story with his thrilling synopsis, there's no point now since you know how it ends. Plus, he could not have been any more boring. Way to take an exciting scene and kill it, Jarrod!!! He kept stumbling and mispronouncing words and then starting over. It was so painful. I instantly flashed back to 7th grade when we had to read out loud and the other kids would read like that. I would get so pissed that when it was my turn, I would read as fast as I possibly could to show my disgust. (Once again, I missed the point, and just showed all of you what a geek I am...like you couldn't guess since this post is all about a show I watched on the School Channel.)
The poor girl on the other side could hardly stand it either. She sat there so zoned out, staring at her fingernails like she was thinking, "damn, I need to get some fill ins" asJarrod read and read and read FOREVER painfully telling the details of Dumbledore's death.
You know what was the worst part? I sat and watched the next segment with two little girls (Mr. Coo Reader loves sisters!) for another twenty minutes and it was just as painful. I feel sad for the poor children of Winston-Salem. This guy is no Levar Burton.

no wonder

Yesterday I went crazy with domesticity. Perhaps something in me was preparing for soon to be status as "wife", I don't know, but I went crazy. The house I'm sitting has a great kitchen, so when I finished preparing dinner, I decided to try a weight watchers recipe for chocolate chip cookies. After I made the cookies, I was a little afraid they might be nasty and I had a lot of chips left, so I went ahead and made a batch of full fat ones too. I creamed, beat, mixed, and scooped for an hour and half and then I felt inspired to tackle the pile of laundry and the stack of dishes. When I was finished my back hurt so much, I couldn't enjoy the mound of crispy cookies and clean laundry. My back kept hurting into the night and today when I went to fold the clothes in the dryer it started screaming again.
A little while ago, I dug through the mail, hunting for my post card from Switzerland, and found a catalog along the lines of those catalogs on the airplane---you know the ones with all sorts of inventions to tackle the inconveniences of life you didn't even know existed. In one picture was a toilet with a pedal...huh? Intrigued, I read on, this handy little toilet attachment is targeted toward those germ freaks who don't want to touch the handle of their own toilet, but it has added benefits. Apparently, it promises to cure joint and back pain! Who knew that I was causing so much damage to my back by simply flushing the toilet. And to think I actually thought it was from hunching over all day! I'm so glad I found that magazine!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

slam 'em college

For those of you who didn't know, I went to a women's college. Actually I prefer to say girl's school, but I know my fellow alums would not appreciate me saying that, so there you have it. The name of my school was Salem and just like any good institution, we have made quite a name for ourselves...my favorites are Slam 'em college and Salem Sluts.
The most common response I get when people find out that I went to an all female institution is, are a lot of the girl's gay? I usually go into a long explanation of the difference between LUGs and lesbians, or talk about the variety of ways people use college as an opportunity to try on new roles and how Salem is such a small school so you just know more about people than you would somewhere larger, or I try to feel out their theological/political point of view and enlighten them because although I'm a minister, I'm not so much conservative, but ultimately what I realize is that they're not really interested in the sexuality of my peers as much as they're asking whether or not we regularly dressed up in our nighties for an evening of pillow fights and cuddling. The answer to that question is, of course, a resounding, yes!
So my current top friends list is dedicated to the lovely ladies of Salem-good thing the trees are virgin because the ladies sure aren't!


I've been puking my guts out all weekend and just came down from a crazy fever and now I'm on-call for the next 24 hours, so this is going to be short and sweet. I was really thinking the other day about two people who really helped to make a miserable day not so much and so I wanted to say cheers to these lovely ladies.
Sandie, my wonderful friend who keeps me grounded and centered at work with off color humor and encourages me to just cry and be kind to myself and will scrap her plans for the next couple of hours to help me do so. Thank you.
Joy, my myspace friend, who is quickly becoming so much more than that. Joy shared her love of sushi, which I turned around and shared with Sandie, who was not as appreciative :), and bought my dinner on one of our very first dates, when we really may not have been at that point in the relationship and then helped make the terrible horrible no good very bad day after a little better by surprising me and picking up my maggie moo's bill after she had already listened to me bitch and moan while dipping everything I had into my assortment of sauces at chic-fil-a, or as grandma likes to say chic a fil. Thanks to you.
Oh, and I've got to add two more ladies who made the time pass a little more smoothly while I was screaming into the trash can. Mom, thank you so much for coming up here and taking me to the doctor and then playing nurse all weekend. You're the best. Evelyn, thank you so much for pausing your on-call recovery and montreat escape to make me tea and buy me sprite, and for calling to check up on me. (You also helped make the other horrible day better by letting me vent and offering a hug too, don't think that went without notice. beans!)
Okay, so not so short, but surely sweet.

my simple life

my simple life
I was driving back to Winston on Saturday after my relaxing vaca to the Dominican Republic (more on that later) when I heard the dj talking about Paris Hilton---I was kind of zoned out, so I didn't realize she said the next song was by Paris Hilton. When that fact dawned on me while listening to the song, I sat there kind of irritated. Paris Hilton thinks she's so wonderful and what has she done? She's just become famous because she has enough money to go out and party all of the time. She can't seem to maintain any kind of a relationship. She has a body I could never even dream of having, but really, is her face that pretty? I remembered hearing a while back that both Paris and Nicole were planning on recording and at first thought Nicole probably had a chance (although I forgot that she isn't genetically related to Lionel), but Paris' talking voice is so horrible and squeaky it didn't seem like she'd have a chance without serious editing. Then my mind wandered to the possibility that if I had endless money to work with, my voice could probably be tweaked enough to record a successful album (I do a lot of thinking in the car). But, you want to know the worst part about this whole listening episode? I actually liked the song. I'm waiting to hear it again :)
Stars are Blind
I don't mindspending some timejust hanging here with you'cuz I don't find/ too many guysthat treat me like you do. Those other guys all want to take me for a ridebut when I walk they talk of a suicidesome people never get beyond their stupid pridebut you can see the real me insideand I'm satisfiedoh no, oh-ohCHORUSEven though the guys are crazyEven though the stars are blindIf you show me real love, baby, I'll show you mineI can make you nice and naughty, be the devil and angel, tooGot a heart and soul and bodyLet's see what this love can do-oooBaby I'm perfect for youAh-ah-ah-ahI could be your confidantJust one of your girlfriendsBut I know that's not what you wantIf tomorrow the world endsWhy shouldn't we be with the one we really love?Now tell me who have you been dreaming ofI and I aloneOh no, oh-ohCHORUSExcuse me for feeling this moment is criticalIt might me feeling it could get physicalOh no, no, noCHORUSRepeated and stretched out with plenty of oooh-ooohs


Man, today I really wished I were one of those nerds who carries their phone on a little clip on their belt (you know who you are), but alas I am just one of those nerds who carries a pager--and unfortunately for you fine folks it is not a camera pager because I would have shared a good picture with you today. As I was leaving my adolescent psych group today (no I am not a participant, but I am in fact the leader), I spotted a lady using the phone in the elevator bank. I was first surprised by her odd suit...at first glance it seemed to be a striped suit, but then I noticed that on the sides of the jacket and down the sides of the legs, like tuxedo stripes, were patches of khaki. I sat there staring at her thinking this was a very unpractical purchase since first, it was kind of ugly, and it was also not very practical, because it seemed to me that it would go out of style very soon--if it ever actually was in style---and suits usually aren't cheap. Still waiting for the elevator, I kept staring at her and wondering if maybe she had concocted this masterpiece herself...perhaps the striped suit was too small and the khaki suit had a stain and so she ingeniously stitched the two together creating a new one of a kind quilted suit, I was pondering this (sometimes the elevator is very slow) when I spotted the best part of all...the wedgy! This poor woman had an insane wedgy and of course if it were just her underwear I probably wouldn't have noticed, but I did because what was shoved up her fanny was the quilted suit--and not the quilted part that might have camoflauged her crack with it's crazy blend of stripe and khaki...there was no hiding this thing...that girl had her pants tucked so far up her crack that she might as well have been naked because she was displaying a very clear view of her booty. For a minute, I thought of those glamour magazine spoofs where some poor girl roams around manhattan with her fly unzipped or toilet paper on her shoe to see how kind/cruel the world is and how many people actually help her out and I debated about whether or not I should tap her lightly on the shoulder and let her know about her unfortunate circumstances, but instead, I just stepped onto the elevator and cursed myself and the fact that my phone doesn't work very well in the hospital so I didn't have it with me to take a picture of this woman's plight, because isn't that what a camera phone is for afterall? If you don't believe me ask my brothers and the 15 of poor girls who sit in front of them in their classes with their thongs hanging out.


Have you ever tried to post something on a blog (no, okay, I'm the only nerd in the room today), or make a payment online, or something of that nature, and gotten a prompt to enter a series of letters or numbers that let the computer know you are a real human and not a secret virus attempting to pay other people's sprint bill? Those things are so random. Who comes up with them? Today, poor Joy has lost something very important, and I was writing to get her to spill the beans on what it is and after three failed attempts, I was finally allowed to post by typing oombrlbaa--i mean, seriously, what is that? That sounds like a magic wand spell from Harry Potter, or perhaps something a witch would shout right before she killed you OOMBRLBAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or like the name of one of those giant purses celebrities are carrying these days. I tell you, those celebrities and their 8 million dollar 39 gallon purses, what will they think of next. But, anyway, who comes up with these codes? I want that job. Or, actually, you know who would be great at that job, my finace. Freddie would rock at that job. He loves to make fun of how quickly I type, by rapidly slamming his keys all over the keyboard. I bet he could come up with some great codes. I don't know if he knows how to make them all slanty and blurry though.
For your viewing pleasure, I was hoping to post a picture of Jessica Simpson carrying the new Prada Oombrlbaa, but I don't know how to post pictures on here. so sad.

I'm so lucky

Did you know that....
Rick Mears won the Indianapolis 500 on the day I was born (in Indianapolis, IN) in 1979...and he won it every year after that when it fell on my birthday?
Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis had their first child, Lilly Rose Melody on my birthday in 1999?
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had their new little girl Shiloh Nouvel on Saturday-my birthday!
(I think these two births definitely mean I am destined to have a BEAUTIFUL child--Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani also had their child the day before my birthday!)
Too bad I'm just lucky for other people!

you know what drives me crazy?!

In the computer lab at work there are three rows of desks, and the middle row has places to sit on each side, but the computers are only on one side. It really drives me crazy when someone comes in to sit at those seats on the other side and makes it so you have to squish through to get out of the row, or slide your butt over somebody's shoulder so you can answer a page. Come on people! There are a hundred empty seats in the main part of the library, why did you come into the computer lab if you aren't going to use a computer!!!!!!!!!!!!

in the words of Gomer Pile...surprise, surprise, surprise

I just realized that I never officially revealed my secret. I'm engaged! I wanted to hold out for a bit to have time to share the good news in person wherever I could, but I'm afraid that someday I'll run into someone that I was meaning to tell in person, with my children and husband in tow and realize, oops, I forgot to tell you that I was engaged! So, here you go, I am. It was all very wonderful and exciting and was also happily captured on film by the little man at Disney World who takes pictures in front of Cinderella's castle, who was just as surprised as I was when Freddie got down on his knee during our photo. Freddie says it's cheasy, but we're cheasy people. But, I don't think it's cheasy I think it's wonderful, and it was surprising (although I do wish he had given me a hint to put on some make-up and brush my hair!). Plus, everyone knows I LOVE DISNEYWORLD.
We had a wonderful day and everyone was so nice and went out of their way to help us celebrate. We even got to be on a morning show, that will air in 60 markets! I think this is going to be the beginning of a wonderful career for me.
I just updated my profile picture to share the love, so here you go, now you know.
ps-I'm really not reading this book, but I like to post something cute on the blog, so I searched, bride and found this. Maybe I'll pick it up.


I was checking out the friends on my myspace list and thought I'd check out old Tom's profile. I looked at his pictures and realized, hey, Tom is actually kind of hot. hmmmm....
I just read an article about him in Newsweek too, I'm thinking this myspace thing hasn't been too bad on his checkbook either. Too bad I'm taken.

I'm a liar

Yesterday, I was working on a big project in the library, so of course I was checking my e-mail and obsessively looking for a distraction from said "big project". I checked the pages of the 3 blogs that I read daily (2 girls from Salem, hello Joy and Emily and one that was linked to their pages) hoping that one of these women would not let me down. Alas, there was a new post on Dooce.com (funny stuff, check it out) and after I read it, I noticed that she has a daily picture section that I had never noticed. She's been posting for quite a long time and so there were a lot of pictures to go through. So there I was, mindlessly clicking previous and checking out the pictures one by one, when the lady sitting next to me smiles and says, is that your family? (I instantly felt panicked, she's going to find out my secret, I'm a loser who enjoys reading about other people's lives for entertainment) So, I did the only thing I could do, I smiled slightly and said no...just friends.