Thursday, March 16, 2006

The Magic of TV

I really like TV. I like it so much that it inspired me to work out in high school when my mom cancelled our cable and my friend told me that the bikes at the Y in Charlotte had their own TVs attached. So, for a few months I pretended to be a young man named Charles (I used her brother's pass) and reacquainted myself The Real World. (Oh, yeah, I also worked out too...kind of.)
The other day I broke down and tried on a pair of gaucho pants. (Big flowy cotton shot/capris like things-who would have guessed we'd think they were cute?) I could not have looked more disgusting if I tried. The way those pants hung on my thighs made them look like to freshly stuffed quielbasa sausages. I quickly ripped those suckers off and vowed that I would once again find a gym. Weight Watchers is not enough. All of this madness was accentuated by my purchase of not one but 3 vacation packages yesterday. (It came across the fax machine at work as if it were destined for my vacationing pleasure alone, and I'm a sucker.)
Joy told me that I could go to Salem to work out for free, and understanding the magic of tv herself, enticed me with stories of cable tvs loaded with HBO-and MTV. So, I geared up around 9:30 last night to give it a shot. I only had to try the code lock for about 17 minutes before I was on my way. The new gym is very nice...not like the scary torture machine we had when I was a lass and had to walk 12 miles in the snow to work out. There were two girls on the treadmills when I arrived both fashionably decked out in their yoga pants. I cannot work out in pants-for some reason I have a serious sweating disorder in the glands on the backs of my knees and my calves-besides I needed to regularly eye those sausages so as to motivate me.
I hopped on the RFD (you may know this machine as the elliptical trainer, but Nathan calls it the RFD-robot feet of doom-and I think this is much more appropriate). I don't actually like this machine because I cannot regulate it. I hop on and instantly my legs are spinning like the Roadrunner, but my lungs can't keep up and before you know it I've passed out hitting my head on the machine on my way down. I've got to go to the ED and get my head sewn up, it's not a pretty picture. However, I DID NOT want to actually stand next to these girls, so the treadmills were out. Joy warned me about some folk's tendency to hog the tv, and although I wanted to be one of these people, I did not want to call more attention than necessary to my presence, so I watched what they watched. One TV was tuned to the gauntlet, the middle tv to basketball, and the third to American Idol. So, I plugged my ear buds into the machine and switched between two stations---can you guess???--of course! Not basketball! The girl in front of me (in the too tight yoga pants), I soon learned was a clapper. I don't know what she was cheering for, but I'm pretty sure she has Tourette's Syndrome and I know this because I watch Miracle Workers (once again, television has improved my life). Every now and then she would just bust out with 5 rapid claps this was particularly odd because you can't hear the tvs unless you use headphones, so except for her clapping the room was silent. I finally figured out her claps were in relation to the programming and after a bit of shrewd observation, I learned that she was not cheering for the game, but was in fact clapping for American Idol. She was not happy with the final results btw.
I only did the rfd for 10 minutes. That's about all I can handle. I watched the rest of my shows from the comfort of a variety of exciting machines and contraptions. Near the end of my time, two girls came in and kindly reminded me that I am not in college anymore. They pedaled away on the rfd for an hour. I kept wanting to shout at them-you won't look like that forever!!! Take advantage of it now...put on a thong and parade across campus because in five years you'll want to hang yourself in the Old Navy dressing room after you realize that Bob Evans could feed a nation on those sausages you call your thighs. But, I restrained myself. I did, however, hop back on the RFD for 30 minutes. I AM AMAZING. I am strong. I'm invincible. I AM WOMAN! The girls got off the RFD and stretched for a bit-I don't stretch...too boring-then hopped on the treadmill for a little run. I HATE THEM. Oh, I did have to take a quick break from the machine. I got thirsty and though I could hop off for a water break. But, the water was hot and caught me off guard, which choked me, and made me cough, and the water came shooting out of my mouth and splashed on the rubber/tile floor. I'm sure the girls must have thought that the old lady was vomitting in the back corner from the workout, but they trusted I could handle it on my own and did not come to my rescue...thank God. Once I gave myself the heimlich on the water fountain and returned to regular breathing pattern I was off and I finished the whole program! Hooray for me!
I rolled out at about 11 and made my way home...but first I stopped at Harris Teeter and bought 15 packages of light yogurt. I can't resist a sale!

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