Wednesday, April 08, 2009

calgon, take me away!

Perhaps I should have titled this post, "the one where i share too much information"

I'm not supposed to get off work for another hour, but I had to bail early today. My snarky side was coming out with a vengeance. I was starting to take it out on my patients and that's not good for any of us, so I called in relief and hightailed it to my bathtub. I proceeded to marinate for an hour while I finished a book and was able to emerge a much better person. Until my husband came home and started talking.

Don't get me wrong. I actually enjoy talking to him, but I had just worked so hard to decompress and he was quickly putting me right back in the pressure cooker. Fortunately, I think he picked up my "shut up, shut up, shut up" vibes and high tailed it to Barnes and Noble-after he put away the laundry-thankyouverymuch.

I was exhausted this morning and barely made it out of bed. When I arrived at work I learned that I had a total care patient. This man could not do ANYTHING for himself. This would be fine if I were a n*rse tech, but I'm actually ment*l he*lth tech and cleaning up after a man who pees himself really just ain't my thang. After I smelled what I was in for and another woman came to me and started bitching away, I knew I was in for a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I'm sure none of this was helped by the fact that I'm pretty afraid that on April 20th I'm going to lose my new perfect job where I have fun co-workers, learn a lot, see cool/crazy things every day, get great benefits, and have an AMAZING schedule (4 day weekends, anyone?). The downside of my job is that I took a HUGE pay cut to do it. It was totally worth it because of the other perks, but if I have to switch shifts and lose my other perks, it won't be and it's a bad time to switch it up.

It also probably wasn't helped by the fact that yesterday hubs' boss suggested that they might really want him to transfer to Baltimore in 12-18 months. Although I would enjoy singing, "Good Morning, Baltimore!" every day, I'm not so much excited about living on the set of Homicide: Life on the Street and The Wire (although I did love He's Just Not That Into You). He got online and began job searching pronto, but that meant....

He was a little distracted when he oversalted the casserole I made and ruined it, then was too distracted to actually throw it away and left a huge mess for me this morning, and finally forgot that he'd offered to make me lunch and left me with nothing to eat.

To top it all off...and here is where I'm-disclosing too much information, maybe wishing I had more readers so this would actually be an opportunity to reach out and get some moral support, feeling kind of embarrassed for already feeling consumed by this, and admitting that we're trying to have a baby.

The great job search of 2008 resulted in a position that was great for that next step in our life, but also required us to wait a little longer than we thought to start trying. I thought we'd begin quite casually in the fall, but when we had to wait until February it was difficult to keep it casual. i couldn't help but look up my "fertile window" online and then bite the big one and pee on a few sticks to double check. We kicked it all off with a trip to the Magic Kingdom and then really focused our energy the next month. My husband's original certainty that he could just look at me right and get me pregnant turned out to be false, so this month we stepped up our game even more. And now, we wait. I can't help but think about it all of the time. How do you not? How do you sit and wait for your life to change completely? How do you not wish you'd tried when it wasn't quite time so that now you might see some results? How do you not misjudge every bit of post nasal drip nausea?

I feel guilty because I have several friends who've tried for so much longer, but I can't help fear that I'm going to be in their shoes.

So, today, when the man peed himself and then smiled at my while someone asked me to clean it up. I offered to cover another girl's responsibilities so that she could do it (she's trained for that stuff and I'm not) and ran to the phone to find someone else to work the last section of my shift. I truly believe that sometimes it really is more important to be in a hot bath with a book than it is to be at work helping other people.


Melissa said...

"I truly believe that sometimes it really is more important to be in a hot bath with a book than it is to be at work helping other people." AGREED 100%.

You shouldn't feel guilty/embarrassed for being consumed by wanting to start a family and not having it happen yet. It's the biggest thing in the world and it sucks that it's something over which you have such a limited amount of control. As you said so perfectly, "How do you sit and wait for your life to change completely?" Your feelings are absolutely valid. But I have faith that the life-changing will happen SOON!

emily said...

What's up, I'm here for the moral support. Having a baby is huge and a lot of folks don't realize it until they're actively trying (wink, wink) that it does consume you long before you actually have the baby. I'm sure it will happen for you guys when the time is right. I'll keep my fingers crossed.