Sunday, October 05, 2008

pee pee in the potty

I just accepted a new position. I'm probably half crazy, so it's a good thing I took a job in the psych unit. I'm taking a pay cut (and I already get paid less than I should for my education), but the new job is so much closer to my house-about half a mile verses 30-40 minutes. Our two year old car just hit 50 thousand miles! My new job also comes with lots more vacation and the best part is that I'll only have to work T-Th...I will work 36 hours in those days, but I'll have a three day weekend every week! I get to wear scrubs too, unfortunately they're teal. My position also pays some money towards continuing education, so it'll be a bit easier to get that counseling degree I'm hoping to pursue. Freddie and I crunched numbers like crazy to see if we can make it work. In order to see how much I needed to make, I added my quarter time position and his pay and deducted all of our expenses and it looks like we can do it with just those two, which means we've been throwing money away for the last year. So, I filled out my tax forms on Friday and told them to direct deposit my whole paycheck into savings. That was probably a little drastic, but it's worth a shot.

I also had to take a drug test. The lady locked up my purse handed me the cup and told me to go and bring the cup back, DON'T FLUSH THE TOILET. So, I went, then I flushed the toilet. Oops. I realized as soon as I did it. I screamed out. I'm not sure why, I guess I thought if she could run in and take a quick look inside it would be okay. It was not.

She filled a cup of water for me and made me sit in the lobby. I was not allowed to leave the department so I had to get the receptionist to fill it for me three times. I felt HORRIBLE. I drank three cups of water and kept checking to see if I had to go. I was convinced I could do it, probably because I felt so bad so I was pushing really hard and almost wet myself. I told the receptionist and she said "are you sure you have to go enough to give us a sample?" I knew she didn't believe me because she told the nurse, "She thinks she can do it."

I went back there and tried to fill up the cup and, of course, I couldn't. I barely got it to the temperature gauge and it was supposed to cover it. I couldn't go out there and claim failure again, so I just stayed for a long time squeezing it out drop by drop trying to get it to cover it. (Sorry to be so graphic) You know what was ridiculous? My previous sample was still sitting in there-the one that was obviously not my urine since I flushed the toilet to conceal my trickery.

When I took it out, and was reprimanded again for beginning to wash my hands. When the lady realized I had passed, she instructed me to go back in the bathroom and throw both samples away and then flush whatever was in the toilet. I couldn't believe that after all that, she didn't even look in the unflushed toilet.

On the way home I realized, oh my God, I took so long in there, I bet she thought I pooped!

1 comment:

Jules said...

OMG, Hilarious!

Congrats on the job!!